Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
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A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.