Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
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prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
I buried one of those 12ft skeletons in my yard. Gonna make one hell of a true crime podcast someday.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.