Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding

me: fine

It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.

those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.

Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.

It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.

Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?

Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?

NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?

ME: wow, what a time saver.

[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help

(it is unclear who he’s talking to)

Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried

To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!

me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me

Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.

When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher

thoughts and prayers for my teen who just said she’s sick of asking me to do something

When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.

It kinda feels like this rn

First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never

My neighbor still has their Christmas tree in the window when am I supposed to call the police?

Therapist: what’s your support system like?

Me: about $150 an oz

My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.

George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.

Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.

[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.

When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.

Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…

“Dave, don’t, he ain’t worth it bro”

cat vs inanimate object

At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave

when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table

Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.