Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not starting a presentation with “ladies and gentlemen” I’m using the gender neutral “to those who heed my warnings”

ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick

A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.

We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.

“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”

I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.

Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times

14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.

How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.

Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.

Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.

Brain: Yeah, but you do.

When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?

Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.

* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping

*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?

*slams a five on the counter*

“Bartender! Give me another!”

*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*

Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.

me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity

him: how

me: with his mouth

Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?

Vampire: I don’t.

Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-

Vampire: also no.

Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise

Acronyms got me like WTF?

I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces

I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.

-Me, working from home. Alone.

ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication

[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot

Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?

co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”

Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name

[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”

*dads go nuts*

“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”

[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT

5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.

HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact

me: i hear they’re the best

[in ambulance after being shot]

can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?

“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”