Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING

**shaking a magic 8-ball**

Me: Will my vision ever get better?

Coconut:

me: hey, you wanna get outta here?

museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue

Man: Is there a doctor in the house?

Dr: I have a PHD in literature

Man: This man is having a heart attack!

Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…

HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.

Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.

*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading

My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.

Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.

6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?

“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro

Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.

Fun game:

Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours

it’s amazing how alcohol feels great and also has zero negative longterm side effects

Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?

Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.

6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.

That stung.

Agriculture can’t possibly be a dying industry. Bot farms are booming.

Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!

My boss: You mean Christmas cards?

Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what

My boss: what

HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?

ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.

CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?

Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.

World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.

Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.

Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone

Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like

I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.

Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.

I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”

ㅤ

My 9yo misses having a dog so I took her to the dog park. A dog owner came up to me to chat and asked “which one’s yours?”

I pointed to my daughter.

It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.