Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
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THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
my mother is staying with me for about a week, and i’m going to be honest, i didn’t even know the volume on my television went that high
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
Meanwhile in Portland…
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Laverne, at age 11, has learned that she can nip people to get their attention. It’s cool that she can still learn new things but why are these things never “being nice”