Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
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Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
This rocks
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
more water
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
one of
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.