Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
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*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
reduce, reuse, recycle
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Someone suggested I try online dating, but it’s like I’m already on twitter duh
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Is this you?
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes