@Carbosly

Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.

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@Bob_Janke

when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there

@iamspacegirl

Definitely just forgot the word ‘menu’ and asked for a ‘map of the food’.

@fantasesay

Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.

@PaulyPeligroso

This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.

@prufrockluvsong

[ opening music ]

scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus

everyone: lol

[ roll credits ]

@SortaBad

I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams

@not_delicate

If someone tells you they’re burning for you, toss a pitcher of water in their face.

@MattOswaltVA

saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ

@MandyUncle

If there’s one thing I’ve learnt in life it’s to stay clothed during sensitive conversations.