when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
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Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Definitely just forgot the word ‘menu’ and asked for a ‘map of the food’.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
[ roll credits ]
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
If someone tells you they’re burning for you, toss a pitcher of water in their face.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
If there’s one thing I’ve learnt in life it’s to stay clothed during sensitive conversations.