Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
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satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Christians will say, “I can’t wait to get to Heaven,” and then wear a seatbelt. Y’all pick a lane
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math