Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
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you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
What do you call a lazy crawfish? A slobster.
🤣 I’ve got a million of them.
🤕 Who threw that shoe?
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
Instead of the USPS they should have the PSPS where trucks would just drive around and put cats in your mailbox.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.