Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
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Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
As the Lord intended
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
Her: how are you still single?
Me: it’s easier than you think.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
