Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
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Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Fact: On aircraft, pilots have different oxygen masks than you. The reason is because it’s impossible for a pilot and passenger to share one mask. Idiot.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.