Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
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When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
I just turned on my car’s seat warmer to keep my Chipotle order warm in case you wondered how seriously I take Taco Tuesday.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!