Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
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Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Traffic stop
Cop: there’s a dead body in the back seat of your car
Me: it was like that when I bought it
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
I think this cat is broken
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
My kid convinced my husband to get her trail mix without the nuts and the dried fruit, so I confiscated the bag of m&ms and ate them myself
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
today, on father’s day, i’m thinking about how my dad escaped three wars and worked as a janitor only to see his bloodline die out bc his son discovered menswear forums and spent the next 20 years arguing about pants
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no