[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
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That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
LA today:
It’s amazing how brazen foxes are these days. Just looking at this little one here, in broad daylight, not a care in the world, trotting across the apron, leaping up the stairs, firing up a 737, taxiing it out…wait
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Arrest that man!
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
my only contribution to the “parental sleep deprivation isn’t that bad” discourse is that I have averaged less than 5 hours of sleep per night my entire life due to a gene mutation and my parents both deserve medals for not simply putting me in the garbage
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.