Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.

16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.

With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.

Unexpected Judgment

my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.

we only have two cats.

so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys

ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards

JUDGE: no can do

(3am, my kid wakes up)

Me: *Pretends to be asleep*

My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*

Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*

My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*

Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”

I don’t know either, kid

I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.

I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place

british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely

american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind

Scotch neat please

Umm…this is a Starbucks

*sigh

Ok a scotch “grande”

When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.

what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves

Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks

Larry (a garden gnome):

Me: oh my god you’re so handsome

My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in

[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?

Me: I rolled it during a marathon.

Doctor: That’s really impressive.

Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck

Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.

You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.

Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE

Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-

*on a first date*

Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal

Me: aw thanks

*turns to the waiter*

Me: do you have pony meat

Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy

This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.

“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”

you like when people scratch your belly?

Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”

Me: “Literally just name one.”

When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.

I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo