Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4: “Can I say fuh?”

Me: “Don’t…”

4: “Can I say king?!”

Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”

Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!

[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]

HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??

My mom: [sighs]

I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.

Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?

Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.

went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me

Okay I try very hard to be respectful of the gentle parenting camp but I laughed out loud at this.

[Genetics Lab]

Me: One designer baby, please

Doctor: It’s not like that, you..

Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions

Doctor: What? No, you can’t…

Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers

Doctor:

Me: I’m gonna call her Claire

them: our youngest is 73 months.

me: what’s that in human people years

I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.

Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.

Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.

Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.

“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”

-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu

i’ve found my new favorite subculture

Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.

I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.

They’re watchdogs.

I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake

*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*

WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.

You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?

-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.

DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.

[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]

Me: one taco without strawberries

Taco Bell guy: strawberries?

Me: no thank you

If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.

The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.

No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickers

And the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too

Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”

Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.

It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.

Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that

How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?

professor x: what’s your superpower

me: i get everyone fired

ex professor: what wait no