Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
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beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
necessity is the mother of invention
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
pitch: he’s a man who’s a doctor
tv execs: go on
pitch: but he is better than other doctors
tv execs: *nodding enthusiastically*
pitch: because of his Condition
tv execs: *sobbing, screaming, foaming at the mouth* this must be the only kind of show on the air from now on
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
