Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
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“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
To anyone who heard me yelling, know that I nicely asked my children 7x to get in their car seats, and they did everything but get in their seats.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
I love it
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.