Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.

i handle all my disagreements like an adult

dance off pants off karaoke

My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?

I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?

12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!

*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*

I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something

Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.

Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.

I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.

[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen

We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”

In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.

me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow

boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep

LITTLE MERMAID 2016:

SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!

ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*

the answer was staring at me all along

Interviewer: Describe your current position.

Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.

Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?

This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.

Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.

“How much is it to sign up for a library card?”
“It’s free.”
“But what does it cost?”
“Nothing, it’s free.”
“No, how much money is it to sign up though?”
“I swear it’s free.”
“Never mind, I’ll ask at the other desk.”

Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*

Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.

Me: *starts another book while I wait*

*two hours later*

Libby app: Your hold is ready.

i think we should see other cousins

Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.

Therapist: what’s your support system like?

Me: about $150 an oz

“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*

*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*

We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.

“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.

*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”