Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.

Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.

I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.

I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”

BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job

My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.

Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.

sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.

If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.

Wife: Can we eat outside?

Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.

I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.

The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.

u spoke cat all this time??????

based al yankovic

I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.

A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.

Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!

[Casino]

Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards

doctor: and are u sexually active

puppet: he is not

doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth

me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not

COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it

Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh

I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night

DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be

[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it

If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”

barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand

Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.

Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died

I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.

Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered

I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.