Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.

Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”

[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.

Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.

I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.

Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!

Alexa: Hold my beer!!!

“What is that the trees outside in the wind?”

– Me in bed, wondering what the sound of my dry crusty feet on my sheets is

What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.

You wear a jacket when you’re cold.

You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.

#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes

{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?

ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.

watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them

I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.

My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?

By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?

yeah i’m a bit of a rebel

The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.

Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.

the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter

Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.

If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔

When the skirt was invented women only had one leg

money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas

*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!

I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension

You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.

As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?

The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block

I know a sign from God when I see one

7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.

7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.

7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.

8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.

9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.

ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS

Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling

Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs