[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
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Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Someone just called me a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Me: The woman next door thinks you’ve been spying on her. Go over and tell her you’d never do that.
Him: Okay. I’ll go as soon as she’s out of the shower
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
“You can’t just erase people out of your life”
Me:
My blood type is coffee.
A two-step guide to warning someone not to hit their head:
1. Wait until they’ve hit their head
2. Say “ooh, mind your head”