[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
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[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Are you a cat person or a person person?
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
this could fix me
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.