@IndecisiveJones

[right before the quest for the holy grail]

king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?

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@alicewhitey

How do you get in touch with the models in the pictures that come with the frame? I have an out of control, elaborate lie I need help with.

@Brianhopecomedy

My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.

@Popehat

If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming

@FeelingMervis

I’ve had intimate problems all my life. I just can’t get close to someone without feeling insecure. You said internet problems? Nevermind.

@Horse_ebooks

Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date

@UnFitz

Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.

@DanMentos

“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*

@not_delicate

My 10 year old son just told me I look nice today so I’m trying to figure out what he broke and where he hid it.