right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
How fast is milk?
It’s pasteurised your eyes before you know it….
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
When someone says you are so lazy
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
I hate when an old man tries to friend me on Facebook and then I realize we went to high school together
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
