right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Cake!!
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
if you’re in a movie theater fiddling/crinkling with a noisy snack…………………… you need to give up that struggle after 5 min. let it go. put the community before the snack
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Is this the real life?
Is this just
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
I would probably have too much fun as a mortician asking customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking” as opposed to “Cremation” or “Burial”.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
I counted the yard signs in my neighborhood, and “ADT Home Security” is going to win in a landslide.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
