Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast

My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right

A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.

What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school

[bum holds his hand out]

“can I have some change?”

change comes from within

“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”

If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.

My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.

Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.

Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters

I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”

I’m saving myself for marriage.

Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.

You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!

Cop –

So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you

I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.

Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.

Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.

I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.

Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.

I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never

I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body

My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd

I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.

We all have family for that..

Finally! 😈

Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.

An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.

Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?

Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?

If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.

My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss

If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.

Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you