Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with

Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.

‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]

a fool and his money are hey new iphone

The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.

Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.

I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.

The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”

The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.

Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?

Me: what happens to our energy after we die?

Doctor: no, not like that

Me: do crabs think fish can fly?

Doctor: not like that either

Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?

Doctor: please stop

If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.

Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again

My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing

flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane

me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!

I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK

[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager

My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.

“The floor is larva.”

– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom

Day 5 of self quarantine:

My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children

you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice

I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.

That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit

I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.

me: there’s a fly in my soup

waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once

me: no, just the one is enough

Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀

Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:

LINCOLN

Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”

“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.

For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.