Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shout out to everyone who cooks at 180°C for 20 minutes, no matter what the instructions say.

‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY

My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.

Live, laugh, lie to the doctor about how many drinks you have per week

Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.

The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.

We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.

[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]

“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”

Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low

whoever named the grapefruit when there was already a fruit named grape…….incompetent legend. i wish we could hang out

I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.

It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.

Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?

Neil Armstrong: …yes.

Every time I buy something now

✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day

No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.

Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.

7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:

Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?

Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.

Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row

Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.

Then tell the lion.

Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.

me: would you like beans?

3: no

me, trying to instill manners: no…what?

3: no beans

Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.

You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?

That’s preposterous

[taking a walk with mom]

Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*

Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.

Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.

Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.

Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough