Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?

[Spelling bee, to clench victory]

“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”

Judges?

(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)

Correct.

Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?

Me: <makes bigg sale>

“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.

I could totally take Beethoven in a fight even if he wasn’t dead.

I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.

waiter: I’ll be right back with your ticket

me: can you just let me go with a warning this time

My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.

Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.

Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.

wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”

Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading

My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.

[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best

[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi

“I’m really good in bed”

-Ice cream

that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”

My kids: ROAD TRIP!

My kids, ten minutes later:

ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.

I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge

Whats O07s kink?

Bond-age.

I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal

*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy

*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA

I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.

I just got lied to by 3557 people. That recipe was awful.

To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now

I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.

My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.

Me: Wow, you two really like comedy

Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?

Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?

Therapist: How are you feeling?

Me: Rage

Therapist: What is bringing you rage?

Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.

I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.