Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.

You get to choose which path you take.

I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.

Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣

Chief Wiggum, Springfield PD, here… they’re doing WHAT?

Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.

[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX

sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”

1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?

4.25pm: Yes, of course.

[dinner theater]

Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun

Waiter: *winks* table or booth

Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL

Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.

Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.

Then I know.

Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea

[date started at 9 pm]

[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.

[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.

A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,

“Hello. I sell doorbells.”

“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.

I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.

It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.

the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.

If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.

My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.

It’s like looking in a mirror.

kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”

This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.

Happy 14th Anniversary to skipping school to go see MacGruber & the lady asking us to see ID and then saying “nevermind, anyone who’s under 17 would be in high school right now and who would skip school to go see MacGruber??” We laughed along with her and walked right in.

The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.

The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.

By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers

*in bed*

me: finally sweet sweet sleep

brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg

I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.

Cop: have you been drinking tonight?

Me: no sir

Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated

Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.