Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.

Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.

My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat

If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?

Parenting’s First Law of Physics:

An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.

doctor: you have no heart

me: okay wow that’s rude

doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive

demon living inside me: *to me* don’t

me: there’s a demon living inside me

demon: ugh

[psych ward]

me: this is nice they have jell-o

demon: ooo is it cherry

I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers

Hallmark needs to start making Hallowe’en romances. She’s a gal from the big city seeking a new life in a small town. He’s a mysterious horseman cursed to throw his flaming head at passersby for eternity. And when these two meet one night, sparks, and heads, will fly.

Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:

Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.

angry women in movies can cut their hair with a hunting knife over a dirty bathroom sink and look incredible, but when I have scissors and a mirror and all the time in the world I look like lord farquaad if he got caught in a lawn mower

Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”

Students:

Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…

I don’t need therapy. I just barked at a pedestrian crossing the street. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life

Like many people of my generation I was brought up to live my life believing in the virtue of delayed gratification.

I’m now in my 60s and it’s too soon to say whether it was worth it.

Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.

[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.

[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.

there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”

When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.

I’m not afraid of ghosts because everyone who’s mad at me is still alive.

“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.

*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*

Ummm 😳

There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die

If the government wants me to work so bad then they should give me a job at the unemployment office

As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.

Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”

And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”

Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end

My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.

With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.

To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !