Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
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Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
I saw nothing
And it’s a gold to my husband for the best dad explanation of Fencing to our 10yr old.
“Fencing is where you have to go and put up a fence, with wood usually..”
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
olympians only bite their medals because they are curious. they are not trying to to eat them. they just use their mouths to investigate objects like sharks
Now, where’s the sport in that?
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
I love twitter
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.