Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.

ME: *showing my new girlfriend my golf clubs* I’ve been playing for years.

HER: Cool. Did you ever get a hole-in-one?

ME: No, they’re made of metal so they’re pretty strong.

HER: I need to see other people

2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans

People: *freaking out*

2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.

People: lol ok

50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun

50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST

When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.

I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.

a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”

If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.

You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessert

They would throw the box away while I walked the dog.

You’d think wrong.

What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”

go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle

Me: wow. Your room is a mess

4: you can clean it

Me: but you made the mess

4: I know you can do it

Me: I’d love some help

4: you’ve got this, Mama

i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it

Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena

The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.

The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.

WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving

ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change

WIFE: ok you’ve got a week

ME: [crying] a weak what?

Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?

Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…

There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis

[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.

2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(I’m not deleting this)

toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else

Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.

GF: “Can I be frank?”

Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”

Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.

Forty is the new thirty!

At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.

My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.