Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
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ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this
I never forget to eat but I do eat to forget
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
If my kids invented a drink.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
friend: i’m just going to date myself
me: you can do better
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
