Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
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Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
😭😭
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
not for long
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Wait. We’re now turning plants into burgers? Haven’t cows been doing that like, forever.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
(The most unconvinced I have ever been in my life) that makes sense
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
federal employees putting floppy discs into their work computers from 1996 and watching people accuse the government of having the technology to create hurricanes
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
me: the human body is an imperfect vessel
me after watching olympic gymnastics: okay maybe just my body
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his