Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
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I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeam
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
3 came up to me and asked for all the water in the house and then 4 came up to me and asked for all the paper towels in the house so I’m probably going to have to move.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity