Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU
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#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Everyone younger than me is an idiot. Everyone older than me has lost their mind.
first you must answer his riddles
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
WB: We want you to play the Penguin.
Colin Farrell: OK.
WB: But you’ll have to wear a ton of uncomfortable prosthetics for long periods of time.
Farrell: Sure.*3 years later*
Farrell: I didn’t sign up for this.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Don’t touch that.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.