Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU
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me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
THE DOG😭😭💀
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
“your account balance is low” brother wait until you see my will to live