Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU
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life is over at 7. no more endless playtime, no more baby food, forced to go to school, and you cant even throw tantrums anymore. at that point you should just give up
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
Me: Remember when I rubbed you out?
Genie: Stop saying it like that.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked