Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU
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I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
They’re not wrong
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
I would love to watch a documentary about my life, because I am VERY confused
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
If you keep the house dark, not only do you save on electricity, but it also looks cleaner.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]