Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU
You Might Also Like
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
i don’t get to travel very often but every time i do i really get to thinking: did anthony bourdain just have diarrhea for like 9 months of the year
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
I hope Usain is training his daughter. Can’t let a name like Olympia Lightning Bolt go to waste, sorry
Me: I’ll be home a little late today.
Son: Why?
Me: Two of our coworkers are leaving the company, so we are all getting together to celebrate.
Son: Wow, you guys must have really hated them.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.