Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me

Imma just leave this here…………

Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.

Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.

My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.

I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.

coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole

detective: and that’s what killed him?

coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no

Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?

Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”

Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”

I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.

Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.

we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive

if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.

having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler

I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.

Timber, dipshit.

There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.

i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?

date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs

me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks

I want a job waking people up that I dislike.

Or I guess I could just get married

When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.

Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.

guys I’m going home

Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller

Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.

Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁

anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?

First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*

People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too

Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*

Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*

Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?