Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right

get her what she really wants this holiday season (a large quantity of potatoes prepared several different ways)

Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.

“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– that one time you tried to get in on the friend group’s riff and your joke bombed so hard that it changed the whole vibe

I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?

Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic

hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms

the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!

Moves shopping cart to allow car to park

Lady doesn’t even say thanks

Puts cart back behind her car

Leaves.

doctor: any allergies?

me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.

Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.

The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup

Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start

“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random

Job interviewer: What are your strengths?

Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?

JI: Yes.

Me: I’m very perceptive.

If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!

one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist

If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.

me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco

My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.

*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE

“What’s that?”

“It’s a therapy cat.”

“It looks like a chihuahua.”

“That’s why the therapy.”

My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?

Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow

Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy

There should be a reality show where project managers try to meet outrageous deadlines while developers keep introducing new features.

Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.

DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie

THEM: ok

DA: Will Smith is one of the cops

THEM: k

DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc

THEM: no that’s crazy

EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini

#BRIGHTMovie

I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁

Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*

*Grave robbers exempt.

i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???