Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is it called “owl city” if there’s 10 million fireflies and no owls. should be called firefladelphia.

Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.

– whenever we have company and are never remodeling

A large group of people is called an eww no thank you

“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”

I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.

“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”

Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.

I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe

My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”

Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”

Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone

Him: Why are you going in circles???

Me: I’m buffering!!!

I think I might be ready to start dating again?

Husband:

[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish

me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world

genie: ok [snaps fingers]

me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed

genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly

My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.

We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.

Resistance training

But me dragging my kids into school.

Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.

Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”

i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue

@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!

Me [watching war movie]: I like this character. I hope he lives.

Character: *makes emotional speech about what he’ll do when he gets home from the war*

Me: Dammit.

a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..

“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it

Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.

Me: I’m going to be so productive today!

Apple Screen Time Report: LOL

TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier

i see you kids buying pre-rolled joints and now i understand the pain my grandpa felt when i told him i paid somebody to change my car’s oil

*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*

I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.

Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.

Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.

Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman

If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.