Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
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Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
When I snag the last meatball.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee