Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
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What an awful time to have common sense.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.