@parkersJoking

Right now the parents of the kid who climbed Trump Tower are thinking “Damn I knew we shouldn’t have given him that REI gift card”

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@UncleDuke1969

*puts nose where it doesn’t belong

*is caught with hand in cookie jar

*loses head

*makes elbow macaroni

*gets fired by funeral home

@Tmoney68

I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.

@piddle_fart

I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.

@s8n

Please stop sacrificing animals to me, Hell is starting to look like a zoo.

@mdob11

Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.

@TheRolo

[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?

@AmishPornStar1

Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts

But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.

@ADHDeanASL

her: I like my men strong

me: *lifts-*

her: but sensitive

me: *-a puppy*

@smithsara79

[dropping my bf off at the airport]

Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much

Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!

Me: wait wha-

Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!