right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
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Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
Morning all.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
Only a mother’s love …
we must combat the global scourge of underage baking
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
milne: it’s stuffed animals, but they’re so f**king dumb
publisher: what?
milne: the tiger can’t spell
publisher: no
milne: the bear won’t wear pants
publisher: *getting up* this is terrible
milne: there’s a depressed donkey
publisher: *sitting back down* …how depressed?
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”