Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
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There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
And now…a ‘joke’.
Why was the demon in hospital?
It was having its GHOULbladder removed…*coughs*
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Guy inventing dressage: *so drunk* hey do you think we could get a horse to dance, via the ratatouille method
Friend: what the hell does that mean
Guy: we ratatouille the horse
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Do you know what kind of pants a psychic wears?
Just a paranormal pants.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
*1st day of shooting —Naked and Afraid*
Me: I’m not worried. This will be easy.
Producer: We need to take your shoes—
Me: I quit.
