Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments

Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes

[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow

Yup.

“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”

“Then I would have had to reword it.”

trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater

When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.

The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.

Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?

Wedding Planner: what

When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”

Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine

If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check

“Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by “Wham” is my favourite song about wanting to slap someone if they did that.

I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.

[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.

It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.

Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.

So good at ordering donuts my doctor is ordering me a special pill to take every morning.

By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.

I like to scan my backyard every hour with a high power flashlight to let my neighbors know I won’t tolerate any weirdness around here

When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.

When humans do it, they lose a finger.

Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.

My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!

Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.

Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.

We were frantic.

Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.

BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement

Inspirational Tweet:

Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.

Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.

She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.

Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.

Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*

[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]

Me: are you breaking up with me?!

Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?

Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me

Demon: why are you this way