Right, that’ll keep the plane spotters away from the bottom of the runway, next job…
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me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
My 7yo was pretending to be a bunny, and my 8yo was trying her best to train her with carrots. In the middle of their play, my 8yo came up to me with a big smile, “thank you for giving me a bunny to play with.”
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
“TGIM!” – My liver
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
Replace all HR departments with fight clubs
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.