“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
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To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
What?
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
Everyone’s family
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
I hope they boil the right one.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.