“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
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The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Rude much 😂😂😂
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
Hey guys! Welcome back to my YouTube channel. Today we’re doing an unboxing vido
*walks into a zoo with a pair of bolt cutters*
Instead of the USPS they should have the PSPS where trucks would just drive around and put cats in your mailbox.