“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
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A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
I really need a sledgehammer for perfectly harmless reasons.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
When I pack too much for a short trip.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
he’s doing your taxes
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Anytime I switch deodorants, it’s like a sexy stranger is following me around all day
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
who will stop them
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.