@Darlainky

Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.

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@thebeavs

When God was handing out obstacles I thought he said popsicles and said I’ll take one of each variety.

@3sunzzz

No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.

@SkinnerSteven

My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him

@claudefacade

If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.

@Green_EyedMama

Watch Forrest Gump

*feel inspired

*toss orthotics out, go for jog

*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker

@stockejock

Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.

@Brampersandon_

JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor

@TheSharona06

My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.

@KateWhineHall

Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.

@thenatewolf

Cop: are you on drugs?

Me: no of course not

Me: [Gollum voice] he lies to you