Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
You Might Also Like
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
My dog ate my work from home.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
No. He’s not coming out to play
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.