When God was handing out obstacles I thought he said popsicles and said I’ll take one of each variety.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
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No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Watch Forrest Gump
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Cop: are you on drugs?
Me: no of course not
Me: [Gollum voice] he lies to you