Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.

Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.

A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.

[first date]

Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?

Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.

not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh

I peed so hard that a little laugh came out

there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now

When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.

[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on

There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar

Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.

[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]

Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.

You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.

A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.

It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.

I’ve watched this 17,467 times

I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.

If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.

Chatting to an old couple there going to Majorca. He was so upset. Said he wished he’d brought his piano with him. I explained that it wouldn’t go in the hold and that he’d be back soon enough. He said he understood that, but he’d left their tickets and passports on it.

Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.

5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?

Me: What?

5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.

I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.

Friend: Let’s get a table outside

Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?

I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.

If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time

Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.

I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.

*ignores high blood pressure*

Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.