righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
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Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
People talking about Gen X being angry about having to buy music when half our collection was downloaded for free from Napster.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Duolingo getting serious.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.