righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
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I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
My friend asked if I had any spare cash to pay for his straw.
Unfortunately l hadn’t got the bale money
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Remember that financial writer who started her article by saying “Anyone can fall for a scam!” then admitted she thought Amazon was giving her a secret mission from the FBI and had to put her life savings in a shoe box and give it to a stranger immediately or she’d go to prison
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Just because the deodorant says 48 hours, it doesn’t mean you should challenge it
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.