Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
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me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
spot the difference
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.