Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.

Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.

i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:

“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”

ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:

“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”

Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.

[Restaurant]

Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*

Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.

Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.

I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.

I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.

Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.

before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.

shakira sharkira

Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*

Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.

Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.

Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments

HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana

ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals

You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?

Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.

I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.

when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today

Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter

when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings

Jesus: love your neighbor

Me: aw thanks, yours is also great

Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.

Not my sister’s dog looking like a 13yo girl who just got grounded for texting during class

I got mad at a rock today.

I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.

Now there are two rocks.

Send help. Now.

Person: Do you have a license for that thing?

Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked years ago.

An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.

The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.