Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.

This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.

I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.

My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.

Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.

[first time at a rave]

These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird

Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.

what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name

Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad

[first day as lawyer]

me: obj—

judge: —shut up noob

I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.

If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.

For example: Her panties were muggy af.

Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.

🗽

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday

I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.

A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.

my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it

I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.

4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.

Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident

Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.

According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.

I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.

Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.

[at wedding]

Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace

Me (raises hand)

Pastor: It’s your wedding

Me (lowers hand)

Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.

what the hell pray for carter everyone

I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials

[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)

ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*