Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out

dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target

My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.

*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*

RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?

Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.

ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.

Me: we need to pick 9 up from school

4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today

Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.

SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS

Cop: can I see some id

Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change

Cop: are you high

Me: yes sir

Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.

Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”

[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u

*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.

Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.

Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.

Murderer: what’s wrong?

Me: it really hurts

Murderer: oh sorry

*stabbing softens*

Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”

Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”

Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”

[McDonald’s interview]

Interviewer: what if someone asks for ice cream when the machine IS working

Me: *roundhouse kicks the ice cream machine*

Sorry it’s out of order

Interviewer: when can you start?

Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE

If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.

Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.

Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herself

Punctuation, it’s THAT important!

Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?

I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him

My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.

My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.

“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.

[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on

I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.

Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁