Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider

4 calling birds sounds like a nightmare, I don’t want phone calls from 1 bird, much less 4.

i don’t care if it’s AI or an immigrant i desperately need someone to take my job, it is killing me

“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-

-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses

I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.

ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?

Her: What’s for dinner?

Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….

I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.

I love counterfeiting stuff

Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.

Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?

Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.

gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️

Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.

Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.

Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick

my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing

Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.

Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.

IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?

Me: They’re my dependencies.

IRS: It’s “dependents.”

Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?

RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?

ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?

RIDDLER: Well, no, but

My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.

Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.

Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg

Today and my dermatologist husband stopped a European man buying sunscreen, saying “I’m not trying to be weird, but that is not the sunscreen for you. I’m a dermatologist.” This man ended up picking out what husband recommended and said “you have great skin so I must trust you.”

“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”

Drunks & toddlers.

i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.

Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.

*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though

*Answers door naked*

Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲

Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.

ethics professor: ur failing my class

me: [slides over $20] how about now

My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.

If looks could kill

Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you