Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
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Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
won’t smith
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Psych meds aren’t enough anymore. Hit me with a shovel.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
guys i’ve cracked the code
