Ring = she’s married

Nose ring = she’s married to a bull

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I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”


[Secret Meeting]

God: We need to create something Magical

Angel: Yes, Sir

G: Call it Unicorn

A: *Tries and fails

G: Call it rhinoceros


16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.


Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.


Lincoln should win for most likely DVD to be put on by substitute teachers


The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.

I have witnessed someone face reality.


[first time golfing]

caddy: which club would you like sir

me: do you have turkey


If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.


“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me


The secret of a long marriage is accepting the utter euphoria you would feel from strangling your spouse to death isn’t worth life in jail.