@InternetHippo

Ring = she’s married

Nose ring = she’s married to a bull

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@Rollinintheseat

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”

@JustDontBugMe

[Secret Meeting]

God: We need to create something Magical

Angel: Yes, Sir

G: Call it Unicorn

A: *Tries and fails

G: Call it rhinoceros

@bigmacher

16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.

@Reverend_Scott

Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.

@bridger_w

Lincoln should win for most likely DVD to be put on by substitute teachers

@KinerdMccain

The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.

I have witnessed someone face reality.

@TheHatStore

[first time golfing]

caddy: which club would you like sir

me: do you have turkey

@UnFitz

If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.

@jonnysun

“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me

@PabloGSerski

The secret of a long marriage is accepting the utter euphoria you would feel from strangling your spouse to death isn’t worth life in jail.