Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
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[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
I unironically love this joke.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Close call…
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.