Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow

the perfect number of cats is two stupid cats. preferably siblings. but they can’t both be the same type of stupid. one needs to be stupid (dumb) and one needs to be stupid (annoying)

Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”

Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire

Me: Almost never.

Her: Oh that’s a relief.

Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)

If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”

someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it

My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.

Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”

being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you

Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.

“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made

4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.

I get it dogs, I wish I could yell at strangers approaching my house too

“Charlie, I want a divorce.”

[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?

Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.

“You’re beautiful on the inside.”

– Me, to a Twinkie

I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .

Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.

How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.

DOCTOR: What’s the matter?

ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.

DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.

ME: Oh her water broke or something.

No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.

I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest

being able to sleep 8 hours straight is also wasted on children. for what? what do you have to do tomorrow? if i don’t get enough sleep tonight, i might get fired

DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up

ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?

DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want

Suez Canal: what the hell?

container ship: PARKOUR!

I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans

I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.

There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.

There’s also a horrible time.

Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*

I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.

All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.