Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it

I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”

airing out the snack pack

Should have let Marvel produce 2020.

Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”

There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.

Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once

Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?

8: but grandma let me

Me: well my mom is cooler than yours

I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.

BOSS: why are you late?

ME:

With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.

saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face

Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”

Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”

[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no

when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters

I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.

What about a To-Don’t List?

baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold

mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear

Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.

No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.

for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago

academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you

AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.

Things that are dangerous-

-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks

God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.

Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.

can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed

Me: will you wake your sister

4: no that’s way too scary

It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.

One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.

My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.