When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
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Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Tastes like chicken.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
superman landing like a plane on his belly
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
i’m still crying at this
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat