Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*

I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.

DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high

MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious

That took me a moment.

“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor

“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”

We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.

The timeline of microwave popcorn:

< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential

Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.

JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.

Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.

Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?

Wife: Of course

M: Even tho it’ll upset them?

W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind

M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then

W: I despise you

Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram

When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.

Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.

This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be

only targaryens can ride dragons?

explain this game of thrones

I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.

Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today

Him: Can you turn on the wifi?

Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*

My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔

Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine

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Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?

Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.

After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.

Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.

If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.

My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.

Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan