Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around

DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this

When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..

that.

I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.

if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal

Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.

Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.

My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.

I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.

Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.

Rey: Like what?

Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.

If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.

that would 100% work on me

My 2 year old woke up.

5 minutes of “Mommy!”

5 minutes of “Mommy?”

Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.

A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me

So I did what any reasonable person would do

Walked into a lamp post and fell over

*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*

Her: I really can’t stay

Him: Baby, it’s cold outside

Her: I’m Canadian, I can handle it

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg

[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?

Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.

Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.

“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.

every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.

Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…

I was shocked.

Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.

the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help

I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.

I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.

My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex

Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?

Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.

Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”

Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all

My doctor says I’ve got to give up poorly thought out fruit-based jokes.
I was peachless when he told me.