Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
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Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.