RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
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I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Me waiting for the signs to change to “up to 75% off” at the Party City store that’s closing by our house.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Expect the unexporcupine.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
Those who do not remember the past are doomed to lose on Jeopardy.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Cicadas will full on dominate a conversation and then leave you on read for 17 years.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Rare photo of two submarines racing
bartender: pick your poison
wicked witch of the west: water
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering