RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
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told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
me: this water is not hydrating me.
wife: that’s because it’s tequila.
me: that explains why I’m naked
target cashier:
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
what is cheese if not milk persevering
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.