RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
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Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
I need to stop digging tunnels when I’m drunk where am I
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
