RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
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Detective: Do you have an alibi for the night of the murder?
Me: Yes, here are some store receipts proving where I was.
Detective: These are receipts for duct tape, rope, and a shovel.
Me: Oops. Wrong receipts.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.