RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
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Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
6: are snakes just neck?
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
what’s this 9 year gap in your resume?
Me: oh that? someone bought me a Rubik’s cube
Monday