RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
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Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Does anybody flutter a cape like Adam Driver and yet he still has not played Dracula in a movie possibly because he is sort of playing Dracula in every movie
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*