RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
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physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said