RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
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Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
not seeing the problem
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
the answer was staring at me all along
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
(Just overheard in the dentist waiting room)
Kid: Mrs Davies taught us about negotiataners
Mum: You mean negotiations?
Kid: *considers* Let’s agree on negotiatans
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.